Day 645 ridiculed

Getting Ridiculed implies 'purposeful disparagement.' For context please see my previous blog. 

In general I am Expecting that My Beingness will be rejected. My Main problem and inner turmoil arises from my assumption 'when I am involved, instead appreciation, I will be ridiculed.' 

Being ridiculed was a tendency I became aware of during childhood. Beings in my environment also ridiculed others. Blaming and criticism was common sense, Others judge when people were different from them. They Gossiped and humiliated people with words. There was no possibility to argue or discuss about those Derogatory accusatory remarks. 

In my previous blog I realize the way I treat someone after I asked 'did you already eat', and answered 'maybe'. This answer became the trigger why I got aware of 'purposeful disparagement.' I became aware of my trigger which Not implies that someone else is responsible for what I experience. 

What I experienced as my interpretation in key words, as intended Beingness instead receiving appreciation, I was feeling insult, grieved, humiliate, belittled, dishonored, degrade. Those key words became my mind assumptions. 

Selfforgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself assuming that I need/am involved with opinions, behavior, assumptions and reactions from others. 

If and when I am thinking that I need to be involved with the opinions and energy of others, then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize, see and understand to receive appreciation I was involved because of the LACK of appreciation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I was thinking there should be something in for me, within my mind at the moment when I think or react inferior at the Superiority Of my assumption that I need to be involved to receive appreciation. 

If and when I am thinking there should be something in for me, then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize, see and understand that I don't always want to get something back from others which was the case in the past that when I did something for someone it was because of the need for positive appreciation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that the energy of my involvement resonates with the information within my assumption that I need to be Appreciated. 

If and when I am thinking what I do therefore I should be appreciated by others, then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize, see and understand that I treat the lady the way I experience myself as the energy of 'purposeful disparagement' within my mind and Beingness, motivated by the information in my mind 'I want to be appreciated.' 

If and when I am desire to receive appreciation, then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize, see and understand that my desire to receive appreciation from others, makes me the judge Who assesses the behaviour and words of others with key words such as good or bad, happy or sad, concerned or indifferent etc. 

I realize, see and understand that this, I want to be appreciated', was my impression at the time I was thinking 'they' deliberately ignore so(me)one. They: 'the people within my environment 'which ignored someone Beingness - this someone was me - who starred thinking I will never receive the care as appreciation where I was longing for.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking they (people in the past, which was triggered by the lady) deliberately ignored and ridiculed others, so this energy became part of my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking 'by distancing myself I'm reducing the chances of being ridiculed.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I decided to distance myself from any contact. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I ignore the people in my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I feel distracted from life and the people within my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I lost purpose. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I lost purpose, then I decided to start use Alcohol again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I started using alcohol again one month ago. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I used alcohol again to investigate if I can use Alcohol without getting into problems. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I wanted to investigate if I ridiculed the chance to get into problems again when I start use Alcohol. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I used Alcohol again thinking I'll take the risk,and in a way ridiculed myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I i don't have a reason, or a goal in life to live for. 

I realize, see and understand that i don't have a reason, or a goal in life to live for. 

I realize, see and understand that I stand equal with this outcome. I don't blame it, I don't use it as an excuse, this using booze is what I want to do otherwise I wouldn't. 

I realize, see and understand after open up the first Can of beer and start drinking, which sounds like and feels like the experience of an mind reaction and then decide step into action, stepping into reason, stepping into conflict with a purpose. 

Living with people addicted to conflict is like living in a minefield. Their presence creates a bad atmosphere. They're upseting people. People who I knew as a child, only a comment, a gesture or a word is necessary to make them jump on us. In addition, they fill the air with tension and they infect us with their desire to fight their internal wars. Conflict. 

I realize, see and understand That I have characteristics of what I have described above. 

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com