Day 638 conviviality.

For context see previous blog about Conviviality. To create, as ordered, a atmosphere of Conviviality I had to be cosy and sociable. The words sociability and Conviviality are used together. 

On the other hand the atmosphere at home which I experienced was uncomfortable, uncertain, aggressive, unhealthy.

Gezelligheid 'Conviviality'. 

So the startingpoint as ordered to create the atmosphere of Conviviality, Was located, in my inner manifested mind energy whereas I was feeling/experienced myself 'very uncomfortable, as the negative energy of uncertainty, as my interpretation of the physical energy of aggression and unhealthy nurturing environment. 

For instance before going to school without breakfast because my fighting companinons where sleeping at the time I went to school'. 

Unhealthy nurturing, my companions, my parents where both sleeping and where not interested in my emotional care at that time. 

I grow up in The environment of Played kindness, smiling friendly people who ordered me to be the Conviviality maker. 

I realize, see and understand that In a way my behavior was always fake. I was suppressing the negative accumulating energy and I was told that I has to behave friendly. I started thinking 'When you feel sad boy, Even then you need always have to satisfy the customers, the wishes of others. Like a toy-boy does, or a vibrator, When the customer ask whatever they tell you to do, just functioning as asked. Which  then became my mean assumption 'I have to function as ordered, like a robot moves and the vibrator vibrates, function as ordered, at the energy of the battery inside. 

Like the mind will become a battery, which supplies one with one's own accepted and allowed mind energy. 

When I have a Appointment in mind, and when people change it, in my opion, my mind tells me 'they tell me that I have to do what the change they order me as their change, they tells me too switch and follow up them, I then have to adapt to their needs and wants. Inside I experienced myself unhappy, empty and gloomy. Not heard. 

As you can read I write about who I am in relation to my accepted and allowed environment expectations, but I need to actually be focusing on who and how I am in relation to myself. 

Conviviality /kənˌvɪvɪˈalɪti/

the quality of being friendly and lively; friendliness, creator of "the conviviality of the evening".

Selfforgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when someone make a switch in our appointment, automatically tells me, this is a switch in wants of needs from the other person, so this is The evidence that my needs and wants doesn't count, because of the change ordered by the other person, my wants, my needs, my Beingness will be neglected. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, 'I believe because of the change, ordered by the other person, my wants, my needs, my Beingness will be neglected, is a decision that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow, to believe that I am showing the world that I am friendly, Cooperative, mister nice guy, the loving and understanding peep. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I do what I want to do, I am not follow up the instructions of my parents 'act like fun, as ordered, behave friendly, Customer-friendly', as the quality of being friendly and lively joker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I blamed my mother to live together with a monster.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I use the learned Examples showed to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I played a role in relation to what was asked, ordered as the Prescribed behaviour to fulfill the needs and wants of the people within my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I'm Stopping being fine in relation to others. 

If and when I am want to be fine because I please others, then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize, see and understand that it's in relation to myself that I need to prove that I can be a 'decent' person. 

I commit myself That I can be all the things that I am always trying so hard to be to everyone else.

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