Day 632 bewilderment
Yesterday I was in a place standing in front of the intrance of a public building where I was not sure how many people would be inside. A experience came into my mind, the accumulation of Bewilderment, a inner knowing which I experience my entire Life. An experience I truly feared and tried to avoid. For context please see my previous blog.
The missing point: the startingpoint as my thoughts and assumptions underneath: 'I'm a loser, I realize, see and understand that's why I wanted to feel more confidence. Thinking and ordering myself 'why can't I feel secure instead insecure, why can't I walk around without resistance.'
I realize, see and understand that I Was thinking 'I want to experience The confidence to walk into a room with many people.' This all happens in a split second.
I want to stand in Here Without being Influenced by my idea 'they observe me and Possibly can look at me, condescending, disapproving, criticizing me.' The experience of the risk before when I wanted to walk into that building or a room, what I was thinking made me feel doubting. Many times when I had this experience I Turned around and walked away.
The Considering That people laugh at me or ridicule me, that's why I was craving for understanding and unconditional Support and wanted to make sure I was feeling no-resistance because I was afraid. To suppress 'what was going around in my mind', therefore I used alcohol.
The substance became my unconditionally always available support which made me feel a person without resistance. But after a few years of drinking I needed more and more to feel the same securenes to start a conversation or made eye contact or not walking away.
I realize see and understand that I wanted feel calm and relaxed, Confident - 'without the experience of the the I want to avoid social contacts resistance personality which popped up for so many years'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking and ordering myself 'why can't I feel secure instead insecure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself what I was thinking made me feel doubting, where I decided when I had this experience that I Turned around and walked away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking and blaming myself' why can't I walk and stand in Here without resistance? '
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I tried to avoid my bewilderment experience as the choice I made, which I am experiencing my entire Life.
If and when I am thinking I will do this task tomorrow, then I Stop myself and Breath.
I realize see and understand that my walking away from doing is one of the aspects of addiction.
I realize, see and understand that I experience myself as A socially awkward person with a hypersensitivity to rejection and feelings of inadequacy, which I known and in myself recognize as the avoidant personality.
I commit myself that I have to do the tasks first according with my to-do list.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I do not enjoy criticism, rejection or embarrassment, but this idea, as my opinion of choice which I accepted and allowed myself to believe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I spending my entire life with avoiding social life.
If and when I want to postpone my daily tasks, then I Stop myself and Breath.
I realize, see and understand that I avoided the dentist again, because the last time after the dentist gave me my tooth treatment, in my opion I experienced critique in the dentist voice which I experienced as frustrating, anger and irritation, so then I decided to avoid and visit the dentist Chair.
I realize, see and understand that all the things what I do, always when I do those things, something else in mind have at the same time, meaning has what I need to do, I think. And this repeat,
I realize, see and understand that all the things what I do, always when I do those things, I also have something else in mind at the same time, something different, thought in my mind which also has meaning, something I need to do first, I think. Do you capice! Do you capice sounds aggressive, As Critique on myself that I am not good enough and something is missing.
These repetitions in my mind that direct me, where I am, in my mind, again and again, to a place somewhere else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I want to Split in two and want to serve the different points within my mind at the same moment. Anyway those points ping pong Back and forth with each other. Words Playing together the game of doubts.
If and when I doubt to do what I want to do while I want to avoid it, then I Stop myself and Breath.
I realize, see and understand that yesterday standing in front of the intrance of the building there was also a friend who said come on wr walk in, so I did.
I realize, see and understand that fears to do what I want to achieve but at the same moment want to avoid, this fear will grow.
I realize, see and understand that the energy of bewilderment was coming up and at the same time there was a friend who said come up old chap, which was very supportive instead avoid walked physically into the building where I met people where we Drunk Coffee and had conversations about fears and addiction. One of them invited me introduce me at a group of people which meets frequently to speak about addiction and fears.
I commit myself For online support I also visit this link Desteni.org.