Day 619 fled away
Flede-away was and still is my strategy to solve my problem. I pull up the wall, in myself at the moment wherein I experience the slightest kind of setback. Within this habit, building a wall of separation, this pattern which I want to neglect and avoid, so what exist persists, this pattern of avoiding conflict, I constructed with the energy of the experience of shame, the experience of disgusting, the experience of fear too communicate what I need, and instead to not share my experience, because of my expectation that the person who listened to me will start Analyzing my experience or neglects my need.
I realize see and understand that when I blame someone who is not acting in a way I suppose, or expect, is because that I analyze this person in accordance with with wath I need from them and did not get which they neglected to do.
Neglected feels like they Neglect me.
This suppressed information, as the attachment of my experience within my mind which made me decide, to choose the way of walking away. But what I express is also my physical reaction, the trigger which manifest energy of disgusting, shame, fear and anger.
Attachments of emotions
The fear for the idea when I start telling my need, the listener start Analyzing my communication, which is a opposite reaction, negative Comment, unuseful information, Contrary to what I desire and hope for. That's why the other person is annoying me, give me some things I do not longing for. I don't need it. What I receive as his feedback, It's a way, behavior which I experience as a demand, that I have to follow-up, a order that I Must obey, something about me which I need to change, something I say, my communication, packed into a solution, a problem, with the friendly instruction 'please behave otherwise please'.
'I realize see and understand that when I experience a slight shrinkage of annoyance, it is nothing but a veil of intense anger'.
Every morning when I wake up the mechanical mind machine starts and fires backchats. The chattering as a habit wakes-up with me. When I face this inbox which pops-up, who is listening and looking at this analysis of the story teller? The story - teller tells me things about my future which make me feel uneasy. Attached to the strong beliefs of my mind, my story-tells me, every morning I recognize, his ideas about the memory as experiences and missed expectations pictures wich I stored there somewhere in the past. Something that provokes me. When I see I understand something verbally, so-called intellectually, how do I break that habit, that wich provokes me!
What is habit?
It's a repetition -, such as cleaning one's teeth every day - it become a routine, you don't pay attention to, you just do it very quickly and get off. So the mind establishes a pattern, drinking, sex, making more and more money, whatever it is is the mind's establishment, the accepted pattern as established, then repeats it, then it becomes mechanical. When I was Working on a ship, it became an automatic behave to use alcohol every day. Using alcohol became a daily habit such as cleaning my teeth. It became mechanical, A Matter. I don't have to tell you what happens when you stop cleaning your teeth. So the mind through constant habits has becomes what it is now. A habit, not actually a life. But existence as the allowance and acceptance of habit, like cleaning your teeth and making money, more and more everyday. A habit which became the flagpole, as the mechanical startingpoint, As a gear that spins within our mechanical mind. So my behavior of 'I want to fled away', this mechanism of my mind, this matter I use because I do not like it, and I want to neglect it.
Avoiding difficult things, disenged feelings I experience when I am faced with difficult things. These difficult things can be very different things, such as performance, conflict, contact with certain people or social contacts in general, and negative feelings and thoughts about myself or within myselfs habit mind. I've learned different patterns of behavior, so too say. There is the pattern of neglect people, let them suffer as I suffered when I was neglected. I think I'm an instigator, in order to the way they treated me I treated them. I investigate how people react as a result of my behaviour, my actions with the underlying thought "I want to see if they continue to support me unconditionally." Because my needs and feelings bin neglected, my negative thoughts and feelings were masked (moments when veils appear before my eyes).
Veils of Embarrassment appears When I am physically in a situation where I feel embarrassed. Then this veil appears. So because I do not want to experience the Embarrassment, I decided to avoid difficult, expected embarrassed situations. Situations Where I feel embarrassed because of the way they treated me, not tactfully and respectful but Rough, blunt, crass, mean, disrespectful, mostly and the first time I experienced this, that's why my habit expects it it will happen again, in front of a public. In situations where the blacks accuse the Whites I experience the energy of Embarrassment, when I speak about my issues I experience Embarrassment. Embrace the Embarrassment, recognize it, is the first step to accept. If and when I want to avoid Embarrassment, I Stop myself and Breath. I realize see and understand that I want to avoid Embarrassment because I don't want to feel ashamed or look like a victim, instead I blame and justify my attachment with the energy of Embarrassment as a creation of my mind which I used to use as abuse, acusing others in my world.
I realize see and understand that I has to be thankful, thank the ones who reflects me my energy of Embarrassment.
I commit myself for one day at a time to be thankful, the ones who show me my frustration after I accept and allowed myself to think, as the habit of blame 'I feel Embarrassed because of others'.
I realize, see and understand that I avoided specific feelings Which caused a lot of hindrance in my life, so I avoided do things I had to do because I commit to as a responsibility which I created within my Unconsciously belief of Embarrassment, Does the effect which placebo has occur because of the expectation I experience through my participation in embarrassing. Every time I ask someone something I Subconsciously experiencing this experience of embarrassing experience. Then I avoid life because I don't do certain things. This is the case when drinking alcohol, then I did not have to face what was really going on. Alcohol works highly stimulating. So I could avoid difficult feelings.
Build the wall of separation
So I avoid the things I want to achieve For the fear of Embarrassment that I'm not Reach the goals I have in mind. I Avoid Them Before I Ever Could reach them because of the experience of Embarrassment. So giving up had a reason. Nobody recognized my error. I did but nobody listened. Because they are chatting with their solutions instead truly listen. Then, later I felt guilty, which is similar to shame and embarrassment, but unlike either, it tends to focus specifically on what one has done, rather than on who one is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I primarily focus here at what I did wrong and felt guilty instead see, and so did not be, as I am also a Beingness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself started thinking, developed the assumption 'I am guilty' after a event in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling guilty feels like debt, like debt of money, which for a period of time feeled like 'I lost meaning in my life'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I derived my identity from the amount of money what I own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself That I used owning as the opposite of loosing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that After I lost monthly income, felt like lost of identity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that lost of identity made me feel insecure, a loser, Worthless, and Embarrassed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I as a child in general felt embarrassed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that Embarrassment dictated my choices.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I used Embarrassment as bias, his energy which I used to create my choices.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking I am seperated from my Innocence Beingness in moments when I blame here or him.
If and when I am thinking I am separated from my Innocence Beingness, I Stop myself and Breath.
I realize, see and understand that when I recognize separation, it's because of the fact that I know that I am Equal as Oneness as Innocence Beingness.
I realize, see and understand that I participate in the energy of Embarrassment, which I created, I separated myself from the Innocence Beingness I still am.
I commit myself when I walk into, act as mind separation, Then I Stop myself and Breath.