Day 630 out of the bleu.

Self-protection is necessary as long as someone has trouble remembering an event, an traumatic Life experience.

During conversations with my Buddy's and others, different parts of my mind became visible in time. It needs strength to walk process. It also needs courage and understanding that one can't be forced. Most of us during our lives are forced to Accept Parenting, Religious or Cultural rules. It takes Dedication to walk through the mind. 

Out of the bleu, Out of nowhere, unexpected, abrupt. Not planned or asked for! Discovering, Understanding the views of the mind. 

But, in a way we unconsciously Allowed those who presented us their norms and values, which became parts of us, exist as our Acceptance and Allowance. Travelling with us in time. Agree? 

Some of those opinions or ideas Didn't fit our worldview but we were exposed to it and couldn't say yes or no at that time. Just had to follow up, because we had, as I did, to be obedient, because we were still dependent on others. This dependency what we Accepted and Allowed to become our mind reality which we have to get Aware of.

History 

In 2001, Under slight urging from the police, I started walk my proces of Know, become Aware of the specific points which triggers me. Information, Decisions which Leads me to one of those points I became Aware of during yesterday's chat. Meaning, we were on to something there that caused my/the mind to want to look away. A Decision of the mind usually happens like an Avoidance of seeing a point. The mind moves quickly, but you can be quicker as you slow down interestingly!

Slow down is possible and be Aware of the Automated reacting points of the mind. During the chat we talked about the influence hard noises have, produced by a person. Then I walked to the kitchen and was drinking water. During Walking I tried not to focus at the sound maker. The person with the ticking hammer. 

Hard noises Causes migraine and physical pain. If I do not Stop this accumulation of energy, I act irritable. Regardless of the term you use, when you’re irritable, you’re likely to become frustrated or upset easily. 

Discovering 

During my childhood I experienced moments in which loud sounds were produced. I linked memories, feelings, emotions and assumptions to these experiences. I was praying back there in time 'please stop those noises'. I did this praying with the intention, the desire and expectation that the noise maker would stop. But I couldn't stop or control the sound maker to stop. When I now hear unexpected hard noises this pattern, this layered experience in my mind starts producing energy, which causes migraine, anger, frustration and the physical pain. In quantum time, moments in Here, It is like an experience of timelessness.

After my buddy spoke about quantum time, I was not sure about the meaning of what quantum time means. Because I was not sure I thought 'that's not clever, that you do not know this after walking proces for quite some time'. Shall I ask my buddy? And yes, so I decided to do so. But in this asking there was a risk involved, a risk in my mind, a thought which told me 'when you ask boy you can receive critique because people will think that you are not that clever, that you are stupid, don't be silly, don't ask'. Anyway you are already a loser. Those backchats pops-up. When I experience those backchats as experiences as thoughts as emotions I experience negative energie. But I asked anyway. I always think maybe people think I am stupid when I say or ask what I want to know. It's a layer which I realize, see and understand during the chat.

After I dared to ask my buddy about the meaning of quantum-time something happened. In this moment, the moment in Here, which is quantum time, a moment in here which is timeless, for example, during our chat, after I was triggered by the hammering person in the flatbuilding wherein I Live, so as I mentioned before I walked into the kitchen in awareness and directed myself and my focus. My buddy explained: ' You were in AWARENESS and so you were slowed down, whereas if you were in the mind, you could immediately react to the noise'. Because I was not sure about the meaning of the word 'quantum-time', which I dared to ask, Despite the risk of being criticized, I experienced another Energy. A positive inner experience caused by my mind made me decide that I switched to another 'out of the bleu question'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself I doubt to ask, before my buddy explained the meaning about quantum-time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I made the decision - 'I doubt to ask', which is a negative charged experience within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my doubt to ask has a reason which is the risk that the answerer, the person who answers reacts with the energy of criticism.

If and when I doubt to ask because I expect to receive critique, then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize, see and understand that my doubt to ask caused lots of moments of avoiding. 

I realize, see and understand after I dared to ask my buddy about the meaning of quantum-time, she reacted with understanding and gave me a calm explanation.

I realize, see and understand that I experienced positive after my buddy gave here calm and respectful explanation after I dared to ask. 

I realize, see and understand I am unconsciously afraid and aware to receive A Cold, with Distant, disinterested, laughable, indifferent reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am unconsciously afraid to receive A Cold, with Distant, disinterested, laughable, indifferent reaction when I ask for an explanation,but when the reaction is calm, with understanding, respectful and helpful I experience positive energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I switch topic when I experience positiveness, which is respectless because it is energetic charged, a unconsciously longing for calmness experience, that people has to be helpfully, the understanding experience wich makes me the addict, Depending on positive responses. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am unconsciously afraid to receive A Cold, with Distant, disinterested, laughable, indifferent reaction when I ask for an explanation, a personality of doubt which switches into the positive character AFTER receiving the calmness and respectful understanding. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have critique and blame people when they 'DO NOT' behave and act calm, respectful with supportive understanding. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experience migraine, pain in my body and feeling tired, because the accumulated experience, manifested by my thoughts and assumptions - 'I have critique and blame people when they 'DO NOT' behave and act calm, respectful with supportive understanding.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experienced the energy of indifference after I was told during parenting to behave and act calm, respectful with supportive understanding and the educators act as the opposite. So what they told and learned me, where they asked me for, they did not showed me in there behavior. What you want to receive you have to give! 

If and when I do not give what I want to receive, then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize, see and understand when I am speaking with someone who 'out of the bleu' switch topic, then I experience the energy of Annoyance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experience the energy of Annoyance when one where I talk with chance topic which is in my opion a sign 'this person is not involved with wath I want to share'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I share my story with someone then expect that one is Interested. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I order others to give attention to what I share with one. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I developed an Assumption how others has to listen to me when I share something. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have developed a decision how I listen to people the way how they behave In my presence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I Conduct others, as the subject and authority of my conditions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I want to control and switch of the hard noises produced by the noise maker as the experience in my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself sometimes react irritable to hard noises.