Day 617 my mind is telling me I need to be likeable.
Was ist in meinem Kopf.
Wie kam es dorthin?
What is in my mind
How did it end up there?
How did it get and become authority
Within my innocence,
As my body and Beingness
A social code drove me around
Stand as the acceptance and allowance
Me in a way,
In the way as the system that surround me.
Crime - I filled up the horizon of my mind with alcohol and started Masturbate after I already feelt bad. I feelt not good, I wanted to feel better. I was thinking as being a failure. As a person that causes disagreement between people in the environment, poisoned myself with a little education, as the missing of exercise of persistent exercises, and in moments of the slightest setback, blaming others causes the disagree in me. My mind became the judge, made others responsible, they where responsible for causing my harm.
Caused BY- A shocking event, afterwards I felt misunderstood and then disadvantaged. Those responsible for the event 'caused by them' later failed to show up with apologies. In those moments I already was thinking - judging and blaming about myself as backchats I'm a failure, I'm bad, I want to be likeable.
The judge in my mind is telling the Blamer within my mind, my mind is telling me as the experience of longings as expectation boy I need to be likeable. When this conversation started between the different personalities the startingpoint, the mind expressed already had made a decision to feel bad, misunderstood, being a failure a non wanted person, not had to be welcomed into the world.
In general my basic confidence in relation to women has been damaged. I experience women as dominant. They have no regard for me and my needs. Or my mother was abused by my father because she wanted to protect me at a time when he attacked me. He condemned my behavior, I slept, he was be drunk. Perhaps my father feel like being attacked by my mother in the moment at night, I slept and was vulnerable, innocent, he attacked me with words, my mother, also used alcohol, started defending and turned against the behavior of my father. From my mother's stories, I understand that my father was emotionally abused by his dominant mother.
The woman in my fathers life Dominated him. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking that my father dominated and affected his life in a Bad way as he did with mine.
Who pulls the strings when I formulate MY goals of self-interest competing within my innocence and Beingness. I realize see and understand It is my responsibility to investigate. Within my mind I developed a social panorama. Within which characters move and for me took meaning because I made the choice that I have given meaning to these characters.
But what implies absence
Absence of the influence of abuse, that the starting point of longing for no-abuse is abuse.
If I don't experience mind influence
How can I manifest
The state of being away
For example: "her presence still comforts me". Her absence shocked me.
GOOD/BAD - WINNING/LOOSING
When I achieve winning, in example 'the game' then in this presence moment I experience happiness. When the absence of winning shows up, instead winning I am loosing.
Thinking about winning
There is a chance to lose
Thinking about Loss - because my mind wants to win.
Then There is failure
Thinking about failure
There is judgment -
There already was a expectation
Longing for the idea of winning
When I did not there was turmoil
The oil of irritation and frustration heated me up - because the starting point already is the competition between GOOD/BAD - failure, bad, loosing.
Which became the energy of hate.
For example - As a child I promised myself to not get caught up in the energy of anger. So when I was I wanted to suppress this experience of the anger energy - which became the anger character.
I was longing for the absence of anger. That's why anger existed.
Anger was not good but it was bad. So I experienced the energy of bad in the same moment when I decided 'I do not want longing for the bad, which as bad became my choice.' I was Classifying. Did made my behavior assessment. As building block od bad. Instead, afraid, I was longing for the good, when I experienced Anger at the dinner table.