Day 614 defending self forgiveness.

Maintaining a defensive posture 

For context see previous blog. Because I do not like to receive critique, because I recognize the energy of critique as I feel like the way I received and interpret critique. Receiving Means like A lawyer is Defending my case, for example an issue with the government. Still expecting Justice and blame the critique givers because they postponed apologies. For me Is this a matter of principle, a symbol of lost trust. This defending by a lawyer and lost trust in the government is for me also the indication that a parent and close relative undermines my trust and gave me a feeling of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking I'm not being good enough. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking when I receive a text message the messenger attempts to attack me. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am familiar with the energy of aggression which I experience when I think I got critique. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted the energy of criticism which I am familiar with, I hate it. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I hate this energy is off course I react because I'm familiar with the experience and energy of hate. 
If and when I experience inner criticism, then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize see and understand that I couldn't recognize and react as the way I act, because I accepted and allowed myself that the energy of criticism within me exist. I realize see and understand that I and got used too this accumulated energy of disappointment, which became my expectation I'll be disappointed, every time I expect dissapointment as the energy of disappointment accumulated into irritated, frustration, anger which became Hate. 

I commit myself that I Step back 
In relation to feedback, my experience was mostly I react rigid, as the behavior I was used to, I made an assumption, which I accepted as my belief, in moments where I thought - this feedback is a attack. I looked at this point already during the weekly chat with my buddy. Being patient, Selfhonest and step back, look at the words as meaning. And stand equal with what happens inside, do not defend and attack, do not blame what happens inside. Let it be and then write Selfhonest Selfforgivenesses. And I know When I step into the choice of attack, the anger personality is at work. 

For instance in the moment When I receive a text message, I assign my meaning to the content of the message. A message I can assign the belief and energy at 'I'm getting a little reprimande'. 

A reprimande feels like Disapproval, guilt, as attack. When I think I get A reprimande, then I justify my belief and then I experience the energy of disapproval, fault, not good enough. Instead of not good enough I long for, I desire for approval and esteem. 

The correction as expected why I did not Acted as expected in my opinion. In my opinion Because the energy of my experience as my interpretation I connect at the text message. Without asking I never will know what the intention was from the messenger in the moment of sending the message. 

Defend myself defenition: Resist an attack made on (someone or something); protect from harm, disapproval or danger. For example: "we shall defend our country, whatever the cost". When I receive a text message I defend my belief that I received a reprimand, which I experience as attack, why I decided to defend myself. 

I commit myself that I want Act differently, with calmness and patient, with patience I seek for What was supposed and expected to be behind the message. defending search for. 


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