Day 608 my longing

'For me personally, the pattern emerged towards whoever I thought or believed was apparently responsible to make me feel better.' Some days ago I was thinking 'she does not' in a split second I was experiencing the energy of anticipation in longing something. The belief that someone had to do something for me. Thanks for sharing, reading about similar points I was facing. 

During this read I realized that I, like the author did, created my inner self talk during childhood. This creation, the link with what I expect wherein I anticipate. 

I remember that I was sitting there, looking through the bars of my box, a furniture piece in the living room which I was placed in to protect me because my parents where busy. When I was sitting there I was longing for freedom to walk or Crawl and play, but instead I was suffering because I literally and physically wanted 'out the box', lol. 

This memory, and my awareness about this experience, takes place when they - my father, my mother and my parents employees - passed by 'my box' not noticing that I was feeling miserable. They did not heard the misère I created within myself. So they 'did not noticed' (where I unconsciously blamed them for) - because I did not had the words yet to communicate. So 'I was feeling lonely' which felt like miserable and in that specific moment I noticed the behavior of the person's 'walking away'. 

This inability to speak because I was very young, but the longing and the feeling, the fact that I was trapped there, I realize now, made me feel lonely. Standing alone and I was Unable to fix my problem. I did not knew how to speak because I did not knew the words to use. To support me speak out and STEP out my box. 

I felt ignored, my emotions went unnoticed, my belief that the people around me did not notice my inner experience, they had no eyes of understanding that I felt trapped, literally and figuratively. 

I was already feeling bad, after I made the interpretation of the situation, that I could not trust the people around me. Therefore I felt very insecure and disappointed obout them. They did not did what I expected them to do: Freeing me from my misery, literally shaking me out of the children's box so that I could enjoy my uninhibited freedom. 

What I realize now is I don't remember that I experienced that the people around me behaved and showed me unconditional Support. I did not feeling they actually were involved, being interested or showing empathy and engagement With my situation and my inner experience that I couldn't give words to. 

My inner reality remained undiscussed. I felt alone, lonely and insecure. My Unfreedom was negative fed from the inside. Because my parents were always busy with themselves. Arguing about their own shit. In general always focus on problems. So I made the choice create the assumption that I was unimportant, not worthy. They showed me the Evidence because they literally walked by, walked away and walked around me, always arguing. So they learned me the way creating bullshit. 

All these impressions, which means acceptance, I got presented later became my scenario of allowing. The backchat at the background, the starting point from which I shot my bullets at the world around me. Because I had no words for my inwardly manifested emotions and feelings. I did not had the tools, reflect going into conversation about my feelings and experiences. This for me was impossible. The Vocabulary I used after the words showed too me by my parents used during arguing. From there bullshit I manifested my bullets. I didn't trust If they laughed. I also hesitated there faked happiness. The breeding ground of pleasure lay in excessive alcohol abuse. I knew there happiness and feigned kindness could any moment turn into hostility. The environment of my living as my understanding soon became a warzone. The bombing and Chaos could pops-up at any moment. So I decided To protect myself. I remember I stole money from my parents to buy a toy gun from a boyfriend. He told me that he used it to protect himself. So my innocence thinking told me 'to protect myself I need a gun.' Because the nanny found out I stole money after I broke open a closet door. She told me what I had to do. Never asked me why I needed a rifle. What she decided for the insecure me was that I had to bring the toy gun back to my soldier playmate. During this period in my life I gathered beliefs and ways too protect myself and my misery that later in my life, as it turned out, the way I acted was not helpful. 

Because at some point, my coping skills were running away or Impulsive because I could not longer suppress my annoyance and Frustration. Start Firing at those who trigger my bullshit. Or I used others manipulate men or women to serve my desire with sex, longing for physical and emotional attention which I thought but was feigned love. My inability to communicate, not having the words to say what I needed, which became the story of my self created mind. 

Visit the link: STEP stones which supported me step out the box of my self created mind.