Day 610 search for seperation.

Seperated

I spoke with the mother from a boy who is living in prison. What happens when detainees make trouble, then they get punished on top of their prison sentence. This punishment in seclusion is called separation. The boy told his mother that he like this place. Being Seperated is better for him because he does not need live together in a small prison cel with another inmate. The mother told me my boy suffers. He suffers from being subject to the impact of misofoni. When someone makes noises while eating or by scratching his skin through itching  because his previous cell mate suffers from Psoriasis. She continued 'If my boy is Being subjected to a overload of stimuli, created by sounds caused by a cellmate. As a result of this nuisance caused by sounds, then the boy feels irritated. He also told his mother about this problem when she made noises. His mother told me I don't understand that prison authorities not listen to my son's complaints after the boy told his mother about his frustration. Then the mother again remembered when her boy told her not making noises while she was eating. So his mother like a neuropsychologist did, both recognized that the boy gets frustrated when he is determined by noises. While the boy gets affected by sound, in the beginning he goes crazy in his mind and body. Then he starts Mentally fighting the noise and gets more irritated. I do understand the boy. I understand the boy because I'm also get irritated by sound. An overload of sounds which I can't dim and control. Sounds caused by others in my environment. Which I can't control and in my mind expect to 'stop it'. I try to Stop the producing of noise In my thinking. A command in my head tells the sound to stop. 

When I was a child my grandmother told me during eating that I produced too much noise. In her view it was to much and told me 'stop it'. No these days, during the lock down, the Mandatory period of seclusion, When it's noisy. Caused nuisance by neighbours in the Apartment building where I live. I also experience that I get irritated. I Have the phenomenon of noise pollution experienced. Like the boy does. 

By thinking about noise pollution before I got home. Because of the thoughts, created bij the memory of The effects of noise pollution. By thinking about noise pollution I felt fear in my body. Fear and experience worsening by the thought when I get home, I walk into the atmosphere of Noise. I'm already experiencing the risk, the fear for the conflict Caused by sound. When I am at home there will be the risk that there will be Noise. So my focus is subconsciously already focused on my expectation. Determined by my expectation that noise pollution will be caused at any moment. But not by the expectation that this sound is caused by my external environment. But because of the self-created fear of the consequences caused by sound. By my assumption, I'm taking a combat stance. My body Experiences stared and stiffened. Because my body defends itself against my supposed fear of noise. The boy told his mother that when he is Overstimulated by noise pollution. If this doesn't stop. That he then goes into battle with the cause of the noise. The cause of the noise triggered by smacked or scratched. The cause of irritation, however, lies in the mind and body of the boy. I'm doing the same thing. I'm fighting the sound. If I'm overstimulated. Then I scream against the ceiling in my apartment where the sound comes from and feel pain in my head. By participating in my assumptions caused by my expectation 'stop it' when I speak to the trigger, which is causing my Reaction. When I experience irritation and anger, I separate myself from the moment in here. What the boy experiences as soon as he gets overtransported by too much noise is that the boy gives the sound the command to stop. This sound doesn't stop, but it keeps going. I don't know how long it takes to get an eat A sandwich. So while eating a sandwich the trigger produces, the eater Manifests noise. Determined by an abundance of sound, the boy wants to command this sound 'stop it.'  I recognize myself in this. I gave the external sound as the trigger, in my head a command "please stop." However, under the command in my head, the sound did not stop. My grandmother gave me the command "stop smacking when you eat your sandwich." So I did. I stopped and obeyed my grandmother Command.  So now when I experience noise pollution I also give the noise the command in my mind 'stop it'. Because I obeyed my grandmother, I expect the sound to stop when I command this trigger. This sound after my command do what I expect you to do. Where I have to look at are the commands which my parents gave each other when they where yelling at each other. When they decided producing the sound of yelling and physical aggression. When they made the choice we will fight each other instead talking with each other. With calmness and patience. No they did not stop. Lying my bed with the pillow and the blankets pulled over my head. Please stop? There noise abuse accumulated. Which I expected to get on a daily base. I instructed my mind: 'boy you can expect Abundance of screaming noises at any time. That's why and in every moment I focus To the possibility of me being attacked by a sound rape. Because of my expectation, I am always prepared to be attacked. Alert to fight the noise. My backchats start talking to me in the same abused language my parents used to use. You dirty fuckung bith. Your parents are scum. Scum off the ledge. Bitch. Bastard. Unlike their aggressive language I was taught obedience. Obey our parenting requirements/commands. So I did. I was friendly. I was neat and benevolent. I was surprised that my parents didn't abide by what she commanded me. So when people tell me something by email or text message. Then It is difficult for me to estimate how their words Be meant to be. How is it meant to be. Because I Stick multiple and different conflicting meanings on it. But always conflicten. Caused by what my parents commanded me to do and they did the opposite. Stop being noisy. They produced a permanent environment wherein hate and Anger exist. When they where friendly in the same moment this could change into fight and unfriendlyness. Against their customers in their company they were friendly. The circumstances were Unsafe. To connect me to someone or something, I connect to uncertainty. The connection with someone always will be uncertain. Staying alone is safe. Living Separed like the boys does in the seperatiecel in the prison, the boy feels secure and safe. Living separate is his Soundless guarantee. Seperated into the idea about 'What is the ideal society, what should be the ideal society, how will it be and looks like, Were thoughts that were already circling around in my head as a child. I was thinking why borders exist as limits between countries. Why does war exist. We have to get back to the village feeling. Where we live together with a group of self-sufficiency. As I experienced when I went out with the farmer. Early in the morning. Sitting between the still empty milk drains in the Trailer behind his Traktor. On the way to his pastures to milk the cows. I was musing as the dew pulled up hanging over the trees. Like a curtain open up the new day. I was a child Who ran away early in the morning. Escaped through the window of the bathroom on my way too the farmers house. Where in the kitchen the farmer ate with his brother and sister. At the breakfast table eggs with bacon. On piece's sliced bread As thick as a brick. They were smacking there bread with bacon and eggs and slurping their hot steaming coffee. I had no experience with such cozy and friendly circumstances. I didn't had a negative judgment or I didn't have any positive either. It was what it was. A situation where people sitting next to eachother. Eating their breakfast and slurping coffee with dirty nail edges. The Things that later in my life became mind meaning. After I was told how I should behave during breakfast. The way my grandmother told me how I should behave. Smacking and guzzling people, there behavior is indecent. Dirt under the nails filthy. When my grandparents meet such a people they where friendly and smiling. Afterwards they were talking those people are bad, indecent because they take care of themselves inadequately well. In this way, I have accepted opinions in response to conflicting signals. When I'm reminded at those times by triggers in my environment, then I occasionally have the physical experience that I Want to throw up. Caused by hypocrite signals. As shown to me, which I observed and absorbed as information within my mind. Amen.

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