Day 621 wellbeing

Experiencing An inner experience through which I experienced indeterminacy, which I cannot find words for, which I want to, instead embrace what's happening within my mind, I always want to find reason and meaning, sort of perfection, a product of fighting against the not known yet. 

After some serious consideration What I experience as indeterminacy was, became my frictionpoint, 'my flagpoint', starts within my mind, as my desire within missing something, Designed As the word 'Helping'. 

In my mind I am Assuming: 'they don't help nobody else to Achieve their goals'. They: (my parents), nobody else (me). 

Which became: 'It is a general law that no one helps nobody to achieve their goals.' Perhaps that is why I think I am nobody, nothing worthy, useless.

I realize see and understand that I feel comfortable when I know something and uncomfortable if I don't. Another strategy I developed was looking forward and saw several tasks which I Performed, in a way I developed perfection in my mind. My goal was to avoid criticism. When someone Unliked me, In contrast with that I had acted perfectly, That's how I thought, I Was disappointed. Same when I play a game and want to win and instead I lose, there is this friction of distraction going Around within my body. The sign that I am not good enough to win and be not perfect be not perfect for myself and others. By extension, I criticize people who deviate from the rules, don't dump waste next to the containers, don't make loud noises, and keeping distance as ordered. Following the rules made me think that the insecureness will disappear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need the support from someone or something outside my physical beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not embraced my needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I did not make myself responsible for the need which I Produce inside my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my observation reflects my needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my point of view shows me friction, inner points of expectation within my innocence Beingness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have to embrace those circles of acceptance within my physical body and Beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I created the borders of my mind, which represents my words, as thoughts, as assumptions as the mixed-up feelings and emotions, borders of turmoil, manifestation of separation with Life, as my innocence Beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I always want to find reason and meaning, a product of searching of that I want to check and control.

If and when I want to attack, check and control, I Stop myself and Breath. I realize see and understand that every attack I have in mind, is the product of something I am missing, a fight, where I am longing for. I realize see and understand since the lock down, the Social context changed, as did my Status Quo changed after a while, the connection with others, the arguments of fighting, disappeared. Instead of before the lock down I had contact with others, there was more structure in my daily life, When I look around now, I see only what separates me from others, not what I share with them. I realize see and understand that the end defines the beginning. I realize see and understand that I Not interested for things I like to do, to do activities, And the relationships with those close to me don't matter if I maintain them. 

I commit myself to embrace this and do not longer fight against it to get a result, because the result will be a matter of a mind fix. 

I realize see and understand what happened after a while during lock down, The things I lose is the ability to connect with others without purpose. 

I realize see and understand that I Doubt to appeal to people for fear of rejection, then the energy of An emotion, of rejection fulfilled me. 

I realize see and understand the energy of fight, fight myself in always reach for something else as the things wich a here right now. Always looking for something else. Not happy with what is happening now. They tell me that I am Complaining when I tell them do not Throw your waste next to the bin But in it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I see people drop there garbage next to the the underground waste containers tell them to do not. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself after I tell people 'to do not what you just did', those words 'do not' resonates with my expectation that, if one has to do not, one has to listen at what I instruct, sounds like an order one has to do, which resonates with my Antipathy, the construct I created, after I received instructions without explanation, I was starting standing there without understanding, without learning points. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I ask for reason when I do not understand what is happening within myself instead first embrace what's going on within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking what's going on within myself I need to understand first so I need to explore it at its deepest levels, The root of her starting point. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that this construct is telling me I need to have control. 

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