Day 620 my relationship with indeterminacy
There’s just a realization and understanding that you don’t NEED each other, but you do enjoy each other’s company. And it doesn’t have to be more than that. Where you can just let the other person BE and there is not that intens 'attachment'. But the relationship with others shows me my attachments.
The attachment that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped in, created by the idea and my inner experience that I am Mostly not sure, insecure how people react at me 'at wath I say', 'how I behave sitting at the tableI during dinner'. I don't know how they will respond. If they walk away, or react with misunderstanding.
I am afraid that I am not good enough, because when I contribute in English, I am not sure if my words will be understood. So to Better communicate English I need to practice more. But I also realize see and understand that we all interpret words with our own mind understanding.
I realize see and understand it's my assumption that the understanding of others should not depend on what I say. It should be there Sincerity, because when others look at me, in my opinion they have to behave as a friend. Friendship Which is not determined by conditions. A place where you can speak open without the fear for negative consequences.
But, Which conditions more do I have in mind? Which Exist as my acceptance. As my decision. My conditions of separation in the first place.
This amalgamation process of existence on a deep level, where information exists as consciousness, pre-programming, separation and manifested consequence of the history/past into equal and one alignment in here. The theme of this blog is indeterminacy. Because lately I had a sense of lost. A feeling of indeterminacy. I did not know what to do. What's going on I was thinking? I lost track. I did not know because I always want to be sure what's going on. So Instead indeterminacy I want to achieve securenes, knowing the clearlines. I'm looking and seeking for that. I Always experience Pressure on and in My physical body and Beingness. Wary thoughts and thoughtfulness, Conceived at an attack, which I truly experience and expect. Because I want to achieve securenes, which is mind appearances, so I realize, My point of investment is no, my realization, I attract people and then I push them away. Why? The black and white behavior. Which I Investigate realize and see is if they come back to me, unconditional. Because I am Not sure, insecure if they are trustful. What I try to do is that I want to boost my self-confidence, my mind confidence so to speak, which must be maintained, at all times.
This means that I'm testing my partners or people in general. I'm also criticizing people and taking them down (gossip). This is accompanied by derogatory and bullying comments about the person. This makes me feel elevated, not above the person, what I realize now, but above my mind insecureness. Afterwards when I think back about what happened I feel like shit, as a kid which, I also was, where I was feeling this insecureness. So when I place myself above someone then I hurt the persons feelings. What I know about this childhood periode in my life was that I feelt insecure and I was longing for control. Control is The main feature of codependency and relationship addiction. Mind Control because I want to know exactly what's going to happen out of fear, I resonate with my wounds and old anxiety, With underneath the yearning of positivenes because I expected the negative. Embrace the unknown and look what happens is the point to walk here. And then see what happens. The pain and the fear, the fear of bonding. My mind is telling me you has to fear abandonment.