Day 705 The way how I experience things and then done differently.
Someone I know told me 'you are a ego tripper'. For some moments I was flabbergasted. Then I decided not to react instead I put my phone away because it was a text message. I decided to write about this issue in this post.
If I feel like I don't belong anywhere then how do I know that I am a egotripper?
About my flabbergasting experience I was thinking - 'I am greatly astonished about this In my experience Derogatory Note'. But why am I flabbergasted after someone Tells me you're a ego tripper?
Meaning Ego tripper
1) Someone who only lives for himself
2) Someone who is very self-righteous
3) Someone with self-directed behavior
4) Overly self-righteous person
5) Selfish person.
But my first impression when I Read the message was the experience that I was amazed and astonishing, flabbergasted.
I was surprised because some time ago I spoke with this person who sent me the text message. Then I told him why I was feeling ashamed, then avoided contact and after avoiding contact apologized for that.
What came into my mind was my thought 'Am I selfish?' Or do they say I am selfish? That's quite a difference, but I have to say that you can also quickly be labeled as selfish. Especially when you do or fail to do things that others do not like. But what I write down is that what's going on in me.
When I do - things what others like
Or fail - to do things - that others don't like.
One of my other Acquaintances told me, written to me you're an ego tripper. Without questioning him I assume I failed to do things that others do not like, what he does not liked.
I failed to do things as expected. I did something and Afterwards I failed in my intention to get positive feedback.
Afterwards the result was disappointing.
I realize see and understand that I want to please others To avoid disappointment.
When people are disappointed they will leave. Leave me behind with questions. Which I gave meaning. Never was told, not told anything, without explanation, without naming reasons, Without understanding, Without telling inside me I experienced the energy of being flabbergasted because I disappointed I was not told what there reasons where.
I want to achieve that I can refer to a healthy being in which I attribute qualities to myself that suit me. I have a realistic self-image. I am not overexerting myself and I am not asking too little of myself. Being able to be me attuned to each other. And that contributes to my self-confidence.
The experience of how things can be experienced and done differently. In my previous posts I spoke about the energy of failure and missed the confidence to openly discuss and speak about the things which Worried me.
Selfforgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I was experiencing the energie of flabbergasted after someone told me that I am a ego tripper.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself I was experiencing the energie of flabbergasted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself after I received the text message from someone I know I was astonished and then experience the energy of being flabbergasted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experienced this message like I did not speak the Keywords to a gang-member, like I was not seen as part of the gang.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I was pissed because I experienced myself immediately attacked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I act like an automated response that I was pissed because I experienced the text message as an attack at me.
If and when I assume a response like an attack, then I Stop myself and Breath.
I realize see and understand If I assume a response like an attack, then I Stop myself and Breath. Otherwise I get overwhelmed Because of the energy of rejection because I interpret a reaction from someone as an attack.
I realize see and understand that I want to mentalize. Mentalizing is a deceptively simple concept. In short, mentalizing is reflecting on mental/mind states in ourselves and others [1]. Mentalization is related to the concept called Theory of Mind, as in one's theory of what's going on in one's mind.
I realize see and understand that in my theory of what's going on in my mind the next points pops-up:
I commit myself I will investigate the next points in posts to come:
* avoiding.
* What do I base my needs on?
* Getting cut off from my own needs.
* I became Very sensitive to rejection.
* I hate Trusting women in intimate relationships Because I distrust them.
* getting overwhelmed by the energy of 'I distrust.'
* Feeling empty inside.
* Low self-esteem.
* Easily discouraged or overwhelmed.
* Develop a sense of perfectionism.
Thanks for reading!
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