Day 616 overbearing instead act humane.

'Don't stay in conflict because without attack there is no war.'

I do not like conflict. I wil never will get used to it. My neighbor is painting the rims of his car with an aerosol can with this sunny weather. This is the second time. The first time I asked him to stop because the paint air came on my balcony Just like today was the case. After I wrote my blog, I walked my commitment. Please Read it if you Like. 

Overbearing - work against the grain ’of the natural flow’ of the group. The attack of the Beingness innocence as ones natural source. 



Attempt for the attack I experience inside was a guilty pleasure, which sounds like a failure for me because I disobey, get away from the rules I imposed to follow and dodged through my fear when I was into my guilty pleasure. 

The reason that I started whit the exposure of those GP's was because, I realize now, during my youth it was an act of infidelity, Disobeying the limit imposed on me, limits That I had accepted in myself, because I hated those feelings, my friends Behaved with confidence, which I noticed because I was feeling insecure. Walk away from the consequences of being insecure, I wanted to do something heroic. A heroic act, my Sneaky secret, that my educators were not allowed to know. The way I acted was an act to prove to myself that I wasn't afraid. The Fear within me which I despised (this word reminds me of the eyes, the way D was acting, as despised, despises, despise, when D looked at me. 

I was reading a blog from a fellow Destonian and noticed the word overbearing
/əʊvəˈbɛərɪŋ/ unpleasantly overpowering, 
"an overbearing, ill-tempered brute".

A memory:
I worked together with D in the Chip-shop. D was the owner and when it was busy D lost control. D couldn't handle the crowds. What happened when it became busy, D Started to stress and started yelling at me in front of the people/Customers. What I missed and desired, perhaps expected was that D showed compassion or benevolence with me. 
I experienced shame within me and I looked at the floor. That's why I Did not trusted myself too look into the eyes of the customers.

Self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I compare a guilty pleasure with disobedience. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I deviate because I deviate from the mind protocol for obedience. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I feel insecure that's why I name my being obedient a guilty pleasure. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that being obedient, became a new startingpoint which justified my longing for a guilty pleasure. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I justify and classified a guilty pleasure as positive. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that the ritual before The execution of the guilty pleasure was the most exciting. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the act of guilty pleasure experience I did, the reason was exceeding the limitation of submission that I imposed on myself.
 
The reason that I started whit the exposure of those GP's was because, I realize now, during my youth it was an act of infidelity, Disobeying the limit imposed on me, limits That I had accepted in myself, because I hated those feelings, when I looked at my friends, they behaved with confidence, which I noticed because I was feeling insecure. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I did not walked away from the consequences of being insecure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I wanted to do something heroic. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted A heroic act, as my Sneaky secret, that my educators were not allowed to know. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that the way I acted was an act to prove to myself that I wasn't afraid. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that the Fear within me which I despised (this word reminds me of the eyes, the way D looked at me as despised, despises, despise. 

If and when I despise myself because I am afraid to protect my Border, then I Stop myself and Breath. 
I realize see and understand that I want to communicate my needs but sometimes I feel afraid to do so because I think my request will not be granted and then I'm going to avoid the situation. 
I commit myself that I have to make this step and communicate my needs because when I do not the energy of avoiding what is needed will accumulated into irritation and anger. 

 

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