Day 733 disillusionment

So, When someone reacts with an angry attitude, then I experience that annoyance pops-up and comes to the fore ground of my mind. I am this annoyance Aware because I experience the energy of irritation. Please for context see my previous post. 

I am also Aware of the fact that I am longing for an emotional need for attention, for understanding without that I experience irritation. Friendlyness is not being met. Were I'm hoping for, instead the experience of ill will or resentment, which gives me the experience of an unfriendly, Annoyed feeling I am longing for friendly behavior of goodwill. 

When M Calls me and asks/orders, 'Where are you, what are you doing?' WithIn this specific moment I already start thinking, after I see her name in the display of my phone, 'she needs something!' M never gives me the I messages. 'I have a guestion.' 'I need something, I want to do this or that, please can you help me out?' 

Never ever. M only gives instruction what M wants me to do. M orders her needs without questioning 'How are you doing?' 

Then I behave Submissive. I submit to M's way of commanding. Which is my idea. Where I adapt and subject to my frustration that arises from my Assumptions: 'M will never show me understanding-full sympathy.' 

If M acts like this I experience the energy of frustration, irritation, annoyance. What will be the reason for this? 

I experience sadness, fear, alertness, animosity when I see M's name in the display of my phone. 

I forgot and lost joy and kindness because I accepted and allowed myself experience the energy of animosity. 

Hostility prevented me from experiencing the presence of joy and kindness which are vanished. Animosity, hostility, enmity, ill will, ill feeling came in its place. 

What happened

Once upon a time the presence of joy and kindness vanished. Instead enmity, Complaining, Alertness, guilt and shame arose. 

My inner child felt hurt, misunderstood, scared. It was concerned that it was no longer entitled to experience joy and kindness. The child's focus became the expectation that joy and kindness would turn into animosity at any moment. 

Because of my acceptance and allowance within my conceptual mind, in relation to people or circumstances 'they function like external triggerpoints' I triggers my accepted and allowed energy of the hostile and irritated characters, personalities. 

I realize see and understand that: 'what I in general attract is animosity. What triggers me are hostile, angry, complaining, demanding, irritated people.'

My annoyance can reveal itself. My feeling, my experience of annoyance is real. I experience irritability, powerlessness as soon as I experience the energy of annoyance, which reflects the animosity, What I want to avoid by (running away) or appeasing/Suppress by using a vanisher (alcohol). 

This animosity avoiding is because of my Promise, the Obligation I allowed myself. The way of acceptance I made, with myself, as a child 'I shouldn't get angry.' 

So animosity came into my life, in that moment kindness and joy dissappear. This moment or fear, because of aggression and violence, disillusionment caused by despair. 

If I decide looking for distractions so as not to have to feel negative emotions, I can achieve this by self-desicing behaviour (such as sleeping or substance abuse) or undertaking self-stimulating activities (too fanatical or too busy with, for example, working, internet, sports or sex). 

Selfforgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed thinking M will never show me understandingfull sympathy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself If I decide looking for distractions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I look for distraction so I do not to have to feel negative emotions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed instead Stopping I can achieve this distraction by self-desicing behaviour (such as sleeping or substance abuse) or undertaking self-stimulating activities (too fanatical or too busy with, for example, working, internet, sports or sex). 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to tap into the energy of Animosity

the moment after I see her name in the display of my phone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the animosity as irritation is activated because I don't Stop my animosity eruption. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself after I experience the energy of disapproval, animosity arises. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself during and after I experience the energy of animosity, I decided to behave submissive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself after M orders me what M wants me to do, then I decide to submit to M's way of commanding. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself assuming when M's way of asking/telling me what to do, causes my Thoughts and experience of the energy of demanding/commanding within my mind and body.

If I experience the energy of annoyance then I Stop myself and Breath. 

I realize see and understand that M's way of asking/telling me what to do triggers my energy of annoyance.

I realize see and understand that M shows no interest in me as a person. I don't experience empathy. 

I commit myself that I want to investigate why I experience 'I am annoyed, experiencing emotional sadness and emptiness when I talk with M.'

Thanks for reading!

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DALK

Dissappear - Disapproval, disappointed, drama, guilt. 

Animosity - Alertness, anger, Awareness. 

Life - Survival, fear, ashamed, uncertain. 

Kindness and joy - Healthy, Selfhonest adult, Joyful Beingness Child.